IS LOVE BLIND?

We frequently hear that love is blind. Truth is love is blind only to our conscious self. Chemistry is what makes us choose someone from a multitude.

What we call chemistry is a combination of characteristics that we admire in a person, added to insecurities, vulnerabilities and basic needs we share with that other person that catches our attention. We share our neurosis and we have a special radar that attracts us to that other person.

The beginning of a relationship is like a fairy tale: romance, sexual attraction, falling in love. We feel transported, walking on air. Everything seems to be perfect. It is as if we don’t need to speak to be understood. He (she) knows what makes us happy, what bothers us. We complement each other. The world seems perfect.

During this time, we see only what we want to see. We do not get to see the person as a whole, how he (she) really is. We take notice of the positive aspects that we admire in the other person and that we lack and we would want to have.

We feel this special connection because even though at the surface we seem different, in our soul we are the same. The difference between us is the way we confront our insecurities and vulnerabilities.

Stephanie explained in their first couples’ therapy session that attracted her t o Peter was his audacity. The way he confronts life struggles, taking risky decisions. For Stephanie, a cautious and frightful person, this quality in Peter was something she really admired.

Within time, this admired quality turned into disenchantment and fights. Peter kept doing the same financial mistakes, primarily because of his impulsivity; making rush decisions without giving them too much thought.

Peter, a hardworking man, kept running in circles. Getting nowhere financially. Because of this, they were struggling, always living in uncertainty, not being able to make their plans a reality.

Stephanie admired Peter’s audacity, perseverance and apparent security in him. His self- confidence made Stephanie feel secure.

Peter on the other hand, needed Stephanie’s admiration in order to feel secure. Feeling her disappointment made him feel insecure. He admired her calm and equanimity in the decision making process. Both needed security and protection.

Many people are trapped in a circle with no way out. Failing in their relationships without having the opportunity to understand why this keeps happening to them. Therapy gives an opportunity to understand what is lying beneath and in this way, break with the repetition ad infinitum.

Clara P Fleischer.